The Darkness Just Inside

The first thing I ever remember was the dream. I think it was a dream.

I was in a closet hiding underneath a pile of clothes that I had gathered around me and the door was halfway open. The small pile was warm and comforting like they had just come out of the dryer and they faintly smelled like pine trees.

I was holding against my chest a plastic toy trumpet that I had just gotten for my birthday. I was looking down at the fake shiny brass knobs on top cherishing this wonderful prize I suddenly possessed when loud yelling started coming from the kitchen.

It was opposite the closet on the other side of the living room. I could see the yellow light from the kitchen shining beneath the door as a soft golden shaft.

It's warm glow gave me a small amount of comfort as the yelling suddenly got louder. Loud enough for me to understand what was being said.

"I swear Bob, if you ever touch him again I will just pack my bags and leave and you will never see me again, I swear!"

I was suddenly very cold and absolutely terrified.

That voice was from my mother and I was scared she was going to leave me and go away forever. I would never ever see her again. No one would be there to protect me and no one would ever love me again. I would be left alone with the violent angry monster who looked just like my father.

I awoke covered in sweat and stared blankly at the far wall of my bedroom in the darkness for several minutes. As my breathing slowed down and got shallower my mind became very still and I slowly settled back down into my pillow.

I was just four years old.

That was the first time I thought of killing my parents.